Mommy will be home soon my love

 

Last night as I lay in bed with Belle Fille in my arms, I felt a slight tug at my heart thinking that since the start of this semester, I haven’t spent as much time with her like when I was on summer vacation. It’s a complex feeling: I don’t feel guilty about going to college instead of staying home with her all day, but I wish I’d organized my time better so that she didn’t resent the change.

I’m not exactly worried about her (she’s as independent as ever) but I start to hesitate as I return to an image from the afternoon of her hitting her head on a window pane and crying out one word huddled in my arms: mommy, mommy, mommy. That’s all she said for a few minutes until she calmed down. Mommy, mommy. It broke my heart especially because I spent most of yesterday doing homework and felt pangs of regret. Was she calling out to me in this manner because she missed me too much? Did she feel upset because I didn’t spend time with her like she’s used to?

In fact, Belle Fille just started sleeping cradled in my arms a few weeks back. Before, she would say “move” if I held on to her for too long when we were going to sleep. Now it’s become routine for her to lay by my side with one of my arms around her for a little while before she eases out and stretches and sleeps. Is it because she’s grown more attached to me? Or is it because she needs me more now that she’s older. I don’t know.

The past week was that of adjusting back into university mode, so it’s been more of touch and go rather than planning out my time. But I’ve definitely got to get my stuff together ‘cuz it’s not just me, or even Hubby that I’ve got to consider, but my child, my sweet baby girl that I cherish and that is in my care. I am aware that time is short as I’ve seen her grow so quickly. I don’t want to waste my time, rather, I’ll consciously make most of the time I’ve got so that while still getting things done at school and at home, my family knows And Feels that they are the most important to me, what I most enjoy.

My beautiful Belle Fille. Mommy will be home soon my love.

A moment of hesitation

There's been an outbreak of babies in my neighborhood. Just on my block are three newborns, beside two others that're slightly older. I've been visiting to check out the cuties and see how their mom's are doing, and up til now all is well. Only... well, holding these little bundles has opened this feeling in me that I'm not very familiar with. For a few seconds, holding this tiny little girl in my arms, smelling her sweet, clean baby scent, I had this longing of having another one of my own.

I mean, you know I have Belle Fille and I love her and have so much fun with her now that she's a toddler and she's so funny and spontaneous my heart swells up with pride constantly. But she was also born very big, and grew so fast so I had a very short period of time with her as a "newborn". And so, for a few seconds I want to blurt out "can I keep her?", especially to my neighbor that had twins so she should have one to spare right?

Then I remember zombiesh days when the moon and the sun blended into one seemingly eternal and slightly timeless night where you get up to feed the baby every three hours regardless of how sleep deprived you were. And I think I can handle that.

Then I worry a little about taking care of Belle Fille and the newborn simultaneously, and wonder if my eldest might get jealous of her sibling (though if I could judge from past experiences, I don't think she'll be the jealous type). And I think I can figure it out somehow.

I don't really mind a messy home, so that doesn't affect my decision. Hubby would love to have another child soon, and I always wanted my kids to be close in age so they could share the same experiences and grow up together. One by one any inquiry and query become fuzzy and disappear in such a way that I almost consider getting pregnant again. Almost.

And then the rational college student in me kicks in and freaks out. "What about school? Will you take another break? How long will it take for you to catch up with all the subjects? Will you take zoloft to manage all the stress? When the heck are you going to finish college!? "

Nope. I do not want to have another child anytime soon. From personal experience I know that things don't always happen the way you had them planned. And if another baby came we'd manage somehow. I'm not hard headed for nothing. I'm a machetito! But I will do what can be done to plan having another baby somewhere into the future when I've finished school.

Meanwhile, I'll enjoy the neighboring newborns with the plus of not having to wake up periodically in the night to feed then.

To Stand Whilst Sitting Down

Yo! How’ve you been? I’ve been, you know been. Vacations have been on for a while now, and I’ve been lazing my head off, if I’m allowed to invent a word or two. Really, after a difficult semester it’s only fair. Also, I don’t have internet at my home right now, so when I do get internet access I do as most mortals do on such occasions… and head straight to Facebook to catch up on what my friends have been up to. Don’t you just love how FB has legitimized being nosy?

Anyhoo… as to my person, like absolutely everything else that exists in this world, changes these past few weeks have made their appearance. You too, but you know me I like to document consciousness. Does that sound weird? Sure hope not, I'm just a strong supporter of knowing oneself as I’ve mentioned several times before in my posts, and I try to live and write according to what I think. Whatevs…

These changes haven’t been physical, or personality, or behavior wise. They’ve been paradigm wise. Some of the more mentally and physically exhausting I’ve been through. Why? Because we all think we’re so clever and have everything figured out and have excuses for everything except for the mistakes or faults of others. But as for ourselves, we minimize  our errors, and justify like we majored in law. To voluntarily humble yourself, accept that you’re wrong and care enough to do something about it. That’s a tad hard. And that’s what I’ve been up to.

I dunno if you ‘ve noticed, but I like myself. With my good and bad qualities, my good and bad moments. I know I’m not a genious, nor a model, nor a saint but find contentment in knowing that I try hard each day to be better. Except when I become too comfortable and allow more… mediocreness (Hmmm, I sure hope that word's in the dictionary) that I usually would.
 
I knew I wasn't doing my best, but I didn’t care as much as I should’ve. It led to conflicts with Hubby, and reflecting upon this situation, I uprooted a few things about my character that I had to work on. Like thinking I’m so clever I don’t need advice on x or y. I take my own parameters and think they’re precise, and stop taking into account The Parameters that supposedly guide me, as well as Hubbys’ parameters, which can be very different from my own.

To compromise is not something I’m very good at, because I tend to give away or commit to more that I actually feel comfortable with, and I’m kinda stubborn. To illustrate this trait, I lean on the example of a child who is told to sit, and eventually forced to sit, but says “in my insides I’m actually standing up!” You get the idea.

Only sometimes you’re wrong, and you should be humble and sit down on the outside as well as on the inside where only you know what you’re thinking. And this is the lesson I recently learned. Or at least, I’m in the process of learning, because old habits, particularly mental habits, where everything we do or don’t do starts, die hard. I’ve tried to not draw it out nor blow it out of proportion, so I’m taking more preventive actions rather than damage control. But I’m glad I’m learning this now and not later when it’s harder to change.

Humbleness, I welcome you. Please stay!